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Leaving SC

  • 3,880 posts

    Leaving SC to get lost in the music. Follow me on Spotify that's where I'll be hangin late nights internet wise... 

    https://play.spotify.com/user/hotupinthesix

  • 599 posts

    dont give us hopes like that xd

  • 1,584 posts

    "Notice my Spotify pls"

  • 3,880 posts

    Oh i forgot to say yeah if i stop updating the spotify that's how you know i'm dead 

    that's the point of it really 

  • 599 posts

    well in that case it sucks that we'll never know when u'll die xd

  • 1,549 posts

    Needa talk?

  • 3,880 posts

    Milk stated:

    you're such a child lol.

    http://childhoodtraumarecovery.com/2013/10/13/arrested-psychological-development-and-age-regression/

    "Severe trauma can result in commensurately severe developmental delays. 

    Indeed, if there has been little or no justice or predictability in the child’s life, and s/he is ill-treated for no discernible reason by adults in a position of trust, developing a conscience may not even have been in the child’s best interests. In extreme circumstances, for example, it may have been necessary for the child to lie, steal and cheat purely in order to survive; once s/he has learned such behaviours are necessary to his/her very survival, these same behaviours become extremely difficult to unlearn.

    Below I list some of the main factors that may lead to arrested development.

    EXAMPLES OF TRAUMAS WHICH CAN INTERRUPT PSYCHOLOGICAL DEVELOPMENT :

    – separation from the primary care-giver

    – all forms of abuse

    – foster care

    – adoption

    – neglect

    – parental alcohol/drug misuse

    ATTACHMENT DISORDER :

    One of the main traumas a child can suffer is a problematic early relationship with the primary care- giver; these problems can include the primary care-giver having a mental illness, abusing alcohol/drugs, or otherwise abusing or abandoning the child. In such cases, attachment disorder is likely to occur in the child – this disorder can impair or even cripple a child’s ability to trust and bond with others. In such cases, it is the child’s ability to attach to other human beings which is impaired by developmental delays.

    Since such a child’s development has essentially become frozen in relation to his/her ability to bond with others, s/he will not ‘grow out’ of the problem behaviours associated with attachment disorder without a great deal of emotional repair work.

  • 3,880 posts

    Precisely the reason why I have to leave SC. 

    I've mentioned before wanting to leave SC so I could work on personal things in my life. 

    I tried working on those things and, made a little bit of progress but virtually got no where when I realized I was still having panic attacks over the same exact shit. 

    I tried making a thread about OCD and anxiety because those are issues I struggle with as well. 

    But honestly I think it's just wishful thinking to think I could sort out all of these massive amounts of issues. 

    I don't even know exactly what I'm dealing with. Within the realm of PTSD everyone's case is unique and require different types of approaches in therapy. It's just too much to sort out on my own (like I've said in the past). 

    I was happier in these last few weeks despite my sort of rocky relationship with my girlfriend just because I was doing well with taking care of myself and life's responsibilities for once (for the most part). 

    But the other night I was feeling sort of depressed, I was planning on just sleeping the weekend away and then eventually sucking it up tucking the depression under the rug and getting back to work. But my girlfriend demanded I go out with her, and I ended up having a little too much fun, overdosed, and ended up in the hospital. 

    I dunno... I've just been a little fucked up feeling since then... it's proven drugs and alcohol tend to do that lol 

  • 55 posts

    looks at thread title

    I don't believe you.

  • 2,678 posts

    Ditch that girlfriend, would never be in a serious relationship with someone who lets me overdose.

    Sorry to say but if she cared about you even a bit, she would flip the shit out when she saw that you were starting to get too much fun and make you leave the party with her even before you managed to overdose.

    Doesn't matter if you were drunk and were gonna talk shit back to her, if she mattered about you she would have done anything to take you out of there because no one likes to see the ones they like, harmed.

  • 3,880 posts

    But yeah milk's comments, and other people as well. I just really don't appreciate it. 

    you guys... i'm sure you all have your own shit. 

    but just understand i have a lot of shit... and some of that shit isn't in the past. some of it's right now. 

    and i haven't talked about it, because, i dunno. i just don't talk about those things. i dunno but. 

    yeah. like, i'm just going through shit. 

    and it's fucked up i come here to escape at night when there's too much on my mind, and then i just get bullied out the mother fucking ass. 

    like you guys got your panties in a wad because i shared a lot of stuff about myself so i stopped doing that, and then, still you just decided from that point on you were going to hate me no matter what i said or did. 

    but you just don't understand, i'm literally the last person you should be hating on. 

    i put on a facade that i'm tougher than what i can really handle and sometimes i escape my problems in ways that are really wrong, and sadistic. 

    but i'm actually kind of a nice person sometimes, according to some people at least. 

    and if you got to know me you'd see that. i'm the kind of person that listens. 

    but i also can get pissed off, i do have some anger management. people on skype have seen the holes in my door. 

    and just because i think i'm some bad ass doesn't mean i'm immune to the hard shit going on in my life. 

    it's stupid that you fuck with me all night just to get some high out of it. 

    you just don't know what i go through. 

  • 55 posts

    what do u expect form a board like this? i just drop in from time to time vaguely and them i'm off on my merry way. btw how do u get bullied?

  • 979 posts

    you are childish. and not childish like a disordered adult who has regressed due to trauma, but like an angsty 12 year old who thinks drinking and smoking sounds kewl, as well as being a dyke

  • 3,880 posts

    Waltz Inaminor stated:

    Ditch that girlfriend, would never be in a serious relationship with someone who lets me overdose.

    She didn't know. 

    Sorry to say but if she cared about you even a bit, she would flip the shit out when she saw that you were starting to get too much fun and make you leave the party with her even before you managed to overdose.

    She's the one who took me to the hospital. 

    Doesn't matter if you were drunk and were gonna talk shit back to her, if she mattered about you she would have done anything to take you out of there because no one likes to see the ones they like, harmed.

    She spent the next day with me even though it was getting her in trouble, just to make sure I was okay. 

  • 3,880 posts

     

    Milk stated:

    you are childish. and not childish like a disordered adult who has regressed due to trauma, but like an angsty 12 year old who thinks drinking and smoking sounds kewl, as well as being a dyke

    I don't think drinking and smoking is cool. It's just what I like to resort to when all of it gets to be too much. 

    I literally broke up with my last girlfriend because she did too many drugs and didn't want to stop, and I wanted a cleaner life. 

    I've stopped and started and stopped and started. I don't want to do it anymore but... I know I will. 

    and if you've read the story I posted about being homeless in Primal's "gender confused" anti-trans thread... you'd see that I'm not just being a "dyke" because it's cool? 

    I didn't want to go through the shit I've gone through because of it. And if I could make myself straight I would, it would make my life a hell of a lot easier. I'm just not straight. 

    Being in the closet was a kind of misery I just can't stand (makes me really suicidal) and I'd put up with any kind of bull shit (even being homeless) if it means I can just be myself for 2 seconds. 

    I'm not pretending. The photos you've seen of me looking like a straight girl, that's when I was pretending. 

    Truth is, I don't see myself as much of a dyke, nor do I see myself as a girly feminine girl. I'm just, a person. And the way I carry myself and the way I dress is just, what ever it is, because that's who I am. 

    I don't have to belong to any particular category. Some people really see the feminine sides of me, others see the dyke side. Some can't tell if I"m a boy or a girl sometimes, if I wear the right thing. 

    So, your perception of me... that's your perception. And, that's not really mine to deal with... ya know? Not my problem you think I'm a dyke when really I'm just a human. Excuse you. 

  • 3,880 posts

    conker stated:

    what do u expect form a board like this? i just drop in from time to time vaguely and them i'm off on my merry way. btw how do u get bullied?

    in chat. 

    i don't expect much from this board i'm just posting in it because it's bothering me these things are on my mind to say....  

  • 979 posts

    yea i know this is what you claim to be like but i think it's all fake and you think it's a kewl image to have. it's like when a child tries to impress you.

  • 3,880 posts

    "...these words are judged so harshly 

    i don’t fit your idea of what’s cool, what’s socially adjusted, presentable to the public 

    i may not fit your mold 

    but consider for a second the meaning behind my words 

    how heavy they weigh in my life 

    that i have to carve them into pages with ink 

    to just for a moment feel free from their burden 

     

    these words,

    they make me seem dumb or incompetent...

     

    but it’s not my fault that i don’t see a way out 

    as easily as you may 

     

    just because i am in the dark 

    doesn’t mean you should poke knives at me for fun 

    while i wander 

     

    what does that make of you 

     

    some people say they have depression 

    when really, they just have too much emotion 

    and no ways to deal with it 

    they’re people who want help, not attention 

    they want to be understood for a moment, 

    because perhaps in their life there hasn’t been too many willing to listen 

    not all of us have had the luxuries you’ve had 

     

    i don’t exist for your entertainment 

    i’m not here for you 

    i don’t express these words, for you 

    the judgment, the critical sinister eye, the turned cheek, the chuckler 

    i’m not trying to make you gasp 

    or make you clench your cheeks 

    although i do hope you find the pain in me a bit unnerving 

    unsettling 

    how could one person go through all that pain 

    how could one live with it 

    can you imagine 

     

    but thats just it 

    we’ve all done it, 

    we all have one way or another 

    we all share the same pain 

     

    and to those with the extra emotional weight 

    i hope you find your way, to lighten your dismay 

    your grief, your discord, your strain 

     

    just know these are the things that only make you human you’re not insane 

     

    and to those with depression 

    the kind that doesn’t want to ask for help 

    the kind that doesn’t feel much of anything 

    that’s all numb, all the time 

     

    when your mind falls into the gutter 

    i hope you find your rose colored glasses there 

    in the heaps of trash 

    sometimes the world looks a mess 

    when there’s an even larger one inside of you 

    damage left behind from the the father that leaves and the mother that died 

    there isn’t enough love in the world to fill you up sometimes 

    your emptiness is so vast, and yet it hides 

     

    depression a beast in the night, crouching behind 

    waiting for the prime time to cut your throat 

    with his favorite knife 

     

    he loves your blood shed, he loves your tears 

    and when you lay down and turn off the light 

    and give into the negative voice you’ve been trying so hard to fight 

    that’s when he grins 

    that’s when he grins 

     

    soon enough you’re so blind to happiness 

    so lost in the gutter, forgotten what it means to fall in love with the mornings cool breeze or the jolt of eight ounces of caffeine 

     

    that all the joy around you looks fake and faded 

    the meaning in everything is lost 

    and your pattern of loosely tethered relationships wears you thin 

    eventually you give in 

    cut anyone out 

    because who’s going to understand 

    but the comfort of your bed 

    the loneliness of your home, alone again 

    it’s better this way 

    he says 

     

    it’s better this way. 

    if you ask for help you’ll just be begging for attention, 

    and don’t complain, because no one wants to hear it. 

     

    it’s hard to remember your worth, when you’re in a world you feel trapped in, an entire world you see as practically meaningless 

     

    i just learned one day that the way i saw the world, was a direct result of the damage done a long time ago 

    and it was only up to me to heal it .... "

  • 95 posts

    cliffs plz

  • 3,880 posts

    Milk stated:

    yea i know this is what you claim to be like but i think it's all fake and you think it's a kewl image to have. it's like when a child tries to impress you.

    ... so you think i'm trying to impress you by sharing with you some of the lowest moments in my life??? 

    the whole reason i come on this site is so i can talk about some of the shit i don't talk about much irl... 

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