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the final months

  • 3,880 posts

    so my life's been in transition the past, whatever months. (moving around n shit) 

    looks like all the traveling has settled down and, for the next four to six weeks, i will be chilling in my parents home as i make my final arrangements for my apartment. 

    (moving outta state with a friend, long story as to why it's outta state). 

    but yeah. 

    so, that means. i have one month to endure, living in my parents house. 

    i could stay with a friend, but i really don't want to sleep on a couch and live out of a suit case again. 

    so i'm just going to endure the bull shit, one month. i can do this... 

    they paid me to stick around and do some renovating so i'm finishing that up, and then i'll be on my merry way. 

    in a previous thread i talked about the day they came back- they all had breakfast... together. with me there. it was awkward, and bad. we ended up fighting, of course. my dad was an ass, my mom went into hysterics and somehow i ended up threatening to pour a cup of hot coffee on my dad head if he wouldn't stop pushing me around. then my mom brought up the fact he beats me... demanding he apologize. and i fled the situation in fear of triggering a panic attack. sensitive topic for me. 

    i don't know why they insist on doing "normal family things" like, breakfast or, holidays, or vacations. everytime they do it's just a fucking disaster and i've learned to stay away, stay out of it as best you can. it's safer that way. 

    i discussed with my therapist about the fact i only have one month left, and she told me that for the remaining month to do my absolute best not to say a fucking word. in most cases that's unhealthy, and in fact, being extremely quiet does depress me... but i literally have to remain, away. 

    she said when shit does go down, to imagine how you'll write about this in your journal later, (i told her i have a journal, she just doesn't know it's here), and... that will help me remain distanced and level headed in bad situations. not getting too "involved" in it. 

    so basically, i have to keep my mouth shut. stay quiet. stay out of it. don't get involved. doctors orders, for one month. so that i don't get hurt, depressed, anxious, and kill myself. 

    (they trigger a lot of my problems, its difficult to be stable surrounded by instability and you yourself are naturally easily unstable) 

    so yeah... .... 

    it's easier than it sounds. i'm honestly just nervous about this but, i think... i will handle it. maybe. shrugs 

    just today several of the topics we discussed i'm not allowed to get involved in have been brought up (we made a list of all the shit that starts arguments and shit)... its almost like my parents were trying to start something... lmfao smh 

    so, i just kept going, "oh, ok" "that's fine." "mhm." and i'm locking myself away in my room. lol 

     

    but yeah so that was just background. 

    i wanted to update on how that's going, currently. right now. and, i'm nervous. 

    so i'm just distracting myself... with shit. 

    but, my mom... she's extremely unstable. 

    sometimes she's happy to a point that it's extreme and sort of like, creepy and scary... hyper... like, manic. talking fast. at you, not to you. you can't get a word in, you're not even there. she's often excessively delusional about her own ego during these times. 

    sometimes mean, cold, and doesn't care at all... 

    sometimes angry, bitter and resentful. wants to set the house on fire. a kind of anger that, she'll take out on you. with no regrets, no apologies. it'll hurt. 

    other times, she's sensitive to every word and sentence you say, you can't even breath the wrong way without her getting upset. and you are in every way responsible for her negative emotion, and if you don't clean it up, even if its not truly your fault- you're just digging a deeper hole. 

    during all of these moods, the only consistency is she is always delusional about her own ego, self centered, and will constantly stroke her own ego- consider herself first, and only herself. and no one else, ever matters. no one. she tells the same 80 stories that are only barely true, about her past- and at the end of everyone she comes out the hero, the better one, the prettiest one, the savior, the strongest, the best. she tells these stories so many times- but if you say, "i know...i've heard this 60 times. you're the greatest woodpile doo" she will just continue talking right over you. ignoring you. 

    she's great at ignoring me, that's her specialty. except when she's mad at me, then it's like she won't get off my back and its her sole mission in life to fucking ruin me. 

    so- that's my mother. 

    she never, cooks or cleans, or does anything a normal mom would do. she's not caring, emotionally available. she doesn't hug you, she doesn't kiss my father or hold his hand, or look at him with love even. she is cynical, cold cut and dry most of the time, and, seems to hate everyone except herself. 

    the only time she's any fun is when she's fucking drunk- but now with age it's just become... not funny anymore. it used to be funny but now it's just pathetic, acting like a drunk fool- a slob... to the point she can't even walk, she just leans into the walls and falls down laughing hysterically. i have to help her to her bed. 

    with my dad he's too big so i just have to leave him there, i've had to leave him in some bushes outside once, passed out after vomiting for a good while. 

    so yeah they're drunks. 

    but yeah so... 

    my mom is .... cooking. ok. 

    today. just now. she is wearing a dress (which she never does) and is cooking. a meal, on the stove. with kitchen utensils i didn't even know we had

    and i'm just scared because i know this pattern.. 

    it's a mark of instability like... when a track race starts and the dude shoots the gun to start the race. 

    shots have been fired, when she cranks up that stove. 

    and i'm scared of what comes next. oh dear god. 

    it always comes back to me somehow and i get hurt. 

    i'm just really scared right now. :/ 

    i came into the kitchen earlier and saw her slicing up meat very angrily, and making passive aggressive comments to my father. he told him not to talk to me. 

    and i was like, "it's okay- he only said two sentences. i'm fine." 

    and she's like "no you're not." and i'm like "oh..kay..." and just tried to walk away...

    and she's like "wHAT ARE YOU EATING." and i'm like "i just wanted a-" 

    and my dAd snatches my cookie out of my hand and she's like "I GUESS YOU DONT WANT LUNCH I'LL JUST THROW IT ALL IN THE TRASH WHATEVER" 

    and i'm like "shit i thought you were making it for yourself" (she never makes food for other people lmfao like, never) 

    she's like "it's fine. i'll just, fuck it." and she starts putting shit away. 

    and i'm like "noo no no it's fine, i like that.. chicken. a lot. i'm starving i wanna eat it i will" 

    and she doesn't respond for a while... running back and forth from the stove to the counter. 

    i just stood there staring at her like... ??

    lmfao 

     

    she's dressed like a 50's house wife and i'm so scared lmfao 

    i'm just trying to look busy because i know when she's like this she gets mad if i'm not doing anything. 

    i'm just walking on egg shells right now lmfao 

    hopefully nothing 

    happens. 

    she keeps randomly popping in my room and everytime she opens the door i jump. 

    and i'm eating the pasta and she's like "TELL ME WHAT YO UTHINK " 

    and i'm like 

    "it's really really good" 

    "yummy" 

  • 3,880 posts

    hahaha i'm so afraid 

  • 3,880 posts

    this is the equivalent of what i'm anticipating looooollllllllllll

    and i'm just thinking 

    please not again 

    lmfao please god

    i literally thought to myself while eating, "there could be poison in this." 

    oh well 

  • 1,736 posts

    sounds like she knows the subject triggers you, thats why she brings it up, she wants you to freak out so you'll "lose" the argument and she'll still feel like you are her puppet.

    next time I would mock your mom about not having a spine and that she doesnt have a mind of her own or whatever

  • 3,880 posts

    she also gets mad if i don't look enthusiastic enough 

    so i'm just like 

    and i went outside to tell my dad the food was ready and she was like "wHER ARE YOU GOING" 

    and i'm like "i was going to tell him the food-" 

    and she's like "DON'T he can't HEAR you he's on the phone" 

    and i'm like "i'm pretty sure people can hear when they're on the phone..." 

    and she's like "well i can't hear when i'm on the phone" 

    so i'm like "that doesn't make any se-" 

    and she just slams the spoon down on the counter. 

    lol 

    walks back to room quietly 

  • 3,880 posts

     

    AlmightyJim stated:

    sounds like she knows the subject triggers you, thats why she brings it up, she wants you to freak out so you'll "lose" the argument and she'll still feel like you are her puppet.

    next time I would mock your mom about not having a spine and that she doesnt have a mind of her own or whatever

    she just wants any excuse to be pissed off and scream at everyone i think 

    and honestly- if i did that i would die jim. lmfao i would die. 

  • 1,736 posts

    thats how i felt like the first time i confronted my narc mom for punching me for ignoring her. that she would just turn me into dust cuz I was so terrified of her, she seemed so dangerous and big.

    Then I worked up the courage to punch her in the face. I thought she was going to roar and snap me in half. She instead fell back and grabbed a knife and started crying and threatening to call the cops.

    It kicked in how powerless, weak and pathetic she was. She ran to her room bawling and called stepdad for backup. All his bitch ass did was to tell me to leave the house or he'll call the cops. What a man, sees his wife get beaten and threatens with cops.

    I left to my grandpas then from there I went to a construction job to support myself. Narc mom took me back home and didnt dare to lay a hand on me ever until I flew to Turkey. 

    She tried to do one of her slap you hard but claim its a joke even tho its to see your pained face for my sadistic tendencies thing. She raised her hand and lowered it on the back of my neck, I looked straight in the eye. Her slap went from 100 mph to 1 mph and it was almost like she caressed me or something. The way she ammortized her slap had me supressing a laugh, I knew the bitch was shook.

    Moral of story is you can do it. Just force yourself to and then you'll see how weak they really are.

  • - By on in reply to
  • 3,880 posts

    AlmightyJim stated:

    thats how i felt like the first time i confronted my narc mom for punching me for ignoring her. that she would just turn me into dust cuz I was so terrified of her, she seemed so dangerous and big.

    Then I worked up the courage to punch her in the face.

    Nice. 

    I thought she was going to roar and snap me in half. She instead fell back and grabbed a knife and started crying and threatening to call the cops.

    It kicked in how powerless, weak and pathetic she was.

    :) 

    She ran to her room bawling and called stepdad for backup. All his bitch ass did was to tell me to leave the house or he'll call the cops. What a man, sees his wife get beaten and threatens with cops.

    lol

    I left to my grandpas then from there I went to a construction job to support myself. Narc mom took me back home and didnt dare to lay a hand on me ever until I flew to Turkey. 

    She tried to do one of her slap you hard but claim its a joke even tho its to see your pained face for my sadistic tendencies thing.

    I used to be like that when I had anger problems. Hurting people on "accident", "playfully"... or whenever I saw the chance. 

    She raised her hand and lowered it on the back of my neck, I looked straight in the eye. Her slap went from 100 mph to 1 mph and it was almost like she caressed me or something. The way she ammortized her slap had me supressing a laugh, I knew the bitch was shook.

    Moral of story is you can do it. Just force yourself to and then you'll see how weak they really are.

    You deal with a mom who slaps you around. That really sucks, but I'm glad you found a way out of it and learned to be stronger than the bitch- even recognizing it's not okay takes a step so you def went in the right direction I think. Standing up for yourself is so amazing and... and important part of moving on from, all of it. Emotionally even. 

    Because even when you move away, you carry it all with you if you haven't resolved it inside yourself and made all your peace with it. If  you know what I mean. 

    My situation was a little different. My dad beats the absolute shit out of me to the point it hurts to walk the next day okay, and my mom will choke me and slap me, pin me up against walls and make sure I can't move. There was a psychological component to it, where for a number of years I was raised brainwashed- believing that the way they treated me was perfectly normal and allowed. As if it wasn't a big deal. There was nothing wrong with it to me for a long time. 

    So it took a while for it to really piece together that all of it wasn't even okay. I was also in a sort of denial for a long time after that, I recognized it as abuse but even after the DCF came to our house once or twice, there was no resolve for me and it put no end to it. It only made my situation worse. They got angrier at me and resented me for "telling" and then threatened to send me into foster care, said I was going to work at mcdonald's the rest of my life and be screwed without them, without a college degree, living on the street. They said I didn't have much going for me, I was ugly and worthless, and that my friends didn't really like me they were just using me. That I was too dumb to make it far in life without them. And that foster care would be too rough... so I wasn't allowed to tell anymore. I was also beaten really badly for telling. 

    So the only way I could continue to live with it was sort of live in suppression and denial for a long time, and it became such a habit and the wall was thick and high I no longer saw it anymore, I no longer saw myself anymore I just became this sort of, hardened, nothingness being. That was just, not all there. Is the best way I can put it. Shut off. 

    And I stayed in that state of dissociation where I forgot most of my childhood, my identity, and my abusive past entirely for a few years. During those years I ended up continuing the cycle of abuse in every relationship I sought out after that point though- people who treated me absolutely shit. I just didn't know how I was supposed to be treated. I thought being treated well was something for, other people, or, for television. 

    But eventually I snapped out of it, took a long period of time. It was rough. Had to cut off toxic people, I was totally alone. And I didn't even notice how alone I was, I just worked away day and night, all alone- for months. I stopped looking in the mirror because I didn't recognize myself and it perplexed me. Everyday I saw a slightly different and equally unfamiliar reflection. I was so suffocatingly depressed I had this huge weight on me all the time. I got used to that weight and figured it would just be the way I had to live. 

    That my depression wasn't really that bad. That I wasn't the kind of person who was affected by abuse, from my exes. I wasn't that weak. Right? Wrong. But I lived in that denial for a long time. All the while not processing any of the past... 

    When I was finally in a safe place for once, the fragments started coming back. I was still so depressed I could hardly get out of bed, by day I was a functional person but at night, that's the part I couldn't handle. I couldn't be alone, with my mind. Because the things that would float around in my head, I'd do anything to avoid it. I slept with strangers and hung out in bars, went to parties I didn't want to go to and made out with people I wasn't even interested in just for the hell of it. I was popping pills and getting every kind of high I could get, and staying drunk on week ends. I had to schedule mental breakdowns into my week, and I'd designate the time to be alone and I would just sob. 

    And then I'd pack it all back up and leave my alone place and go back to forgetting. But, eventually no amount of distraction would suffice and the depression was too big. The flashbacks just kept coming back, and the panic attacks ruled my nights. I got no sleep, but I was used to that. 

    And then by the end of that year I had totally pieced it all together, and I was just wrought with grief about my parents and what they had done to me. Truly realizing how wrong it was, and looking at what an empty fucked up shell of a human being I'd become because of it. I blamed them for all the time I'd spent at the tops of buildings peering down below imaging myself falling to my death. And I was sick of suffocating. 

    I felt I was left with no choice but to either kill myself, or lash out at my parents. Those were the only things that would appease that never ending dark, dark fog and hurt that ruled my fucking life. 

    So I wrote a long letter, knowing exactly what I was going to say to them. About everything. Everything. 

    I kept it in my pocket the whole way home folded in a tiny ass little square, and when I saw the city skyline approaching I had a panic attack, pulled over and vomited on the side of the road. Great experience. 

    And then I waited. I went along with all the bullshit my parents were giving me, hoping maybe I could just get by without confronting all that shit. But they just closed me further and further in, made me more and more depressed, treated me worse and worse. Until finally I was on lock down again, not allowed out of my room. 

    And my dad told me to do the dishes. And I just said no. lmfao 

    and that was the start of a very, very long fight. That I had actually started a long time ago when I was very very young, but strategically retreated from throughout several periods of my life. 

    I had punched my dad before ya know, I had argued with them before on things. I would scream over them when they're screaming at me, and punch holes in things. I got the DCF on their asses. I ran away several times. 

    But this was different because this time I knew I really had not much help on my side, I knew it had to be me, not someone else who stood up for me or nothing was going to change. And I kept wishing, that someone would step in, or, they would just change their ways. 

    ... it just never happened. 

    Everyone's got a breaking point. 

    I ended up... (to be cont.)

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  • 3,880 posts

    I ended up demanding for the keys to the car and the phone because I had "a right to leave" 

    they insisted no. My dad went to go get the belt. I leaned over my mom who was in a chair and got in her face, and said in a low and threatening tone, "hand me the keys, and the phone or I'll fucking kill you. I'll strangle you with your bare hands and then I'll fucking laugh about it. Don't underestimate me I'm a crazy motherfucker." 

    And she looked utterly terrified, her eyes wide, the wrinkles in her forehead collecting, and the frown lines around her mouth sagging as she pouted like a puppy in some short of shock. Her face was frozen like wax. 

    She just pointed over to her purse behind me slowly. 

    I grabbed the purse and ran out the door to the car, searched through the purse for the keys. Couldn't find them though. My dad finally caught up with me, and screamed, "If you don't get back inside in 10 seconds you're going to be real sorry." 

    I dumped the purse out on the floor and started frantically searching for the keys, but it was no use. I screamed at him as he got closer to one, he was unresponsive. I was screaming to no one. "I KNOW YOU HAVE THE KEYS THEY'RE IN YOUR POCKET YOU DICK. YOU FUCKING DICK. GIVE ME THE KEYS GODDAMMIT. JUST LET ME GO. JUST LET ME GO." On the verge of tears knowing what was coming next. 

    He came toward me and I crouched into the car tire, he shoved me into the car and then picked me up off the floor and threw me inside, only halfway between the doorway. He kicked me the rest of the way in, literally in my ass. 

    I picked my head up and just started laughing hysterically and he said, holding the belt about to whip me. "What's so funny dumb motherfucker. You better wipe that smile off your goddamn face fuckin punk." And I got up and continued laughing, brushing myself off. He's looking at me puzzled waiting for an explanation. 

    I said still chuckling, "you literally kicked me, in the ass. you literally kicked my ass. i always say he's gonna kick my ass, but this time you actually kicked my ASS. you kicked me in the ass!" hahahah 

    I just found that really comical. And then I said, "If you think that's going to keep me here you're wrong. And you're making a huge mistake by keeping me here instead of just letting me go. I'm going to make every minute of your life a living hell. You're the one who's going to be sorry." 

    -

    So yes. I have stood up for myself. And I've taken a lot of shit for it. 

    That wasn't the first time, there were many more instances after that that were all painful... and hard. And scary. 

    I cried sometimes wishing I wasn't so alone in all of it. 

    But I learned to be strong for myself and just not to back down. And tell them how I will and won't be treated everytime. 

    only problem is it didn't really work. 

    Now, since I'm not submissive, they just hate me. 

    They think I'm the spawn of satan. A hopeless case, worthless to them. That should be cast out on the street. 

    They see no point in supporting me because I'm gay, and as they believe that I am outside God's kingdom and a sinner, therefor destined for doom and despair, and hellfire. They believe that if they support me they are equally sinful and going to hell themselves, and that since I'm damned anyway, why bother continuing to raise me. 

    To them, I'm already dead. They gave up on me. 

    It's better than being beaten, but. It just sucks. 

    After a few more years our relationship has been slowly mending, 

    but only because I've been lying through my teeth. Just to stay connected to the family. 

    I used to want to kill myself at the idea of being totally estranged and family-less for the rest of my life- as I was previously. 

    So I worked to change that. So I have a balance of misery I'm willing to put up with, so as to avoid the lonesome orphan misery that would be caused subsequently by completely distancing myself from the abusive type misery.  

    I have to put up with it, for my own sake. 

    Also they are slightly financially supportive now, I have to earn it but. Money is a thing I need being a college student. 

    So I tell lies, a lot of them. So I'm not homeless. And I use them financially. 

  • 1,736 posts

    I'm proud of you for sticking up for yourself but the point isnt to mend your relationship with them. The point is to make em face how weak and dumb they are next to you and to wipe their pride, make em feel defeated and leave em in their deflated misery.

  • 3,880 posts

     

    AlmightyJim stated:

    I'm proud of you for sticking up for yourself but the point isnt to mend your relationship with them. The point is to make em face how weak and dumb they are next to you and to wipe their pride, make em feel defeated and leave em in their deflated misery.

    Yeah, but I've been going through a lot of my own shit lately. Too busy to deal with their crazy asses. 

    I just can't handle it anymore... I'm tired of it I don't have the same fight in me I used to have. 

    So I'm just walking away from it. Keeping my distance. 

  • 1,736 posts

    sounds like you surpressed your rage and hate to tell yourself you're a better person and get an ego boost from not getting justice lol, at least thats what I find common among abuse victims. They dont hit back to say they're better than their parents while all they become is pushovers kek. 

    You need to get in touch with your rage and hatred, and channel it to your parents. Not violently, but anything that could make them depressed and distressed. Mine was kidnapping my sister to prevent narc mom from living thru her and feeding on her accomplishments, she literally ripped her own hair off (pulling) from supply deprivation, going batshit. She was crying on social media and begging people to help her find my sis. You find something similar and go after it

  • 3,880 posts

    the rage isn't healthy 

    bye 

  • 3,880 posts

    criminalexpert stated:

    What a fucking miserable lesbian cunt. Seriously getting a fucking life. You are reaching critical levels of autism.

    i'm glad  

  • 3,760 posts

    blanc yuor such a complainer... like seriously why do you even say words to your parents? like you care so much about their oppinion?

    owning a computer means you never have to talk to your parents cuz you have better things to do

    you should get into IT, it's good paying and easy, and will give you independence from your parents like IT did for me ^.^

    w.e im in a really bad mood, i don't say anything i just smoke a bowl and then after i smoke i realize that none of this matter sand i just laugh at the situation and move on

    i am distant and kinda anti social in general, but with my parents especailly so... my parents and i get along but i never call them or visit... not because they arent loving or supportive, but because they are idiots who i get nothing out of conversing with... talking to my parents is like talking to adult children... they dont know politics, they dont know computers, they dont know science.... so all they can do is gossip about family or neighbors, they don't even ahve that good of socail skills... they are juts sub-par geneticly. i'm thankful i'm adopted because I would not want their genes. they don't even act interested in computers because computers make them feel stupid meaning them and i have nothing in common...  they are still living in the 90s, who can be friends or spend time with that? their (and most genX's) oppinion of fun is camping and TV.... ugh plebs

  • 1,736 posts

    kek, hope one day you'll find the courage to fight back as hard as I did

    bye

  • 3,880 posts

    i'm too tired to type more shit but basically 

    the reason i do it is because it's how i cope, my therapist literally told me to do it. journaling. i explained it in further detail somewhere on here recently if i recall correctly. 

    and I'll be independent from them in a few weeks is basically what this thread already said. 

  • 3,880 posts

    AlmightyJim stated:

    kek, hope one day you'll find the courage to fight back as hard as I did

    bye

    bye 

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