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SC junkies <3

  • 3,173 posts

    blonc

    heroin​

    willywonka

    h is heroin​

    blonc

    we love it​

    Neckbeard

    ya thats what i thought​

    willywonka

    fucking duh​

    Neckbeard

    lol blonc​

    Neckbeard

    h? because that is the cool name for it?​

    Neckbeard

    you can't say the fucking word?

    Neckbeard

    you got to say h

    Neckbeard

    blanc don't do it you freak​

    blonc

    h makes it sounds better than heroin​

    Neckbeard

    better?​

    blonc

    yeah​

    Neckbeard

    like im cool I say h​

    Neckbeard

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA​

    blonc

    its not like that​

    blonc

    we are just a big family of junkies​

    blonc

    that have our own little way​

    blonc

    which only us can understand

    medbedhead

  • 3,173 posts

    Zzzzzz.​

    medbedhead

    Do more blanc​

    medbedhead

    please​

    blonc

    uggh​

    blonc

    HAHAHAHAHA​

    blonc

    i hate my life 

    blonc

    brb

  • 3,173 posts

  • 3,173 posts

    Still not doing well 

    uh, I woke up this morning literally rocking back in forth and when I started coming out of this strange black fog I'm like the fuck why am I rocking? Lol and I stopped 

    I felt as if I was having a panic attack in my sleep and I think I was mumbling something as I was coming out of it as well. 

    I was like on my side just like, rocking a little bit. Very strange. 

    I should of known Sunday was going to be a bad anxiety depression day because Saturday night I had severe nightmares. It's always a precursor to the days filled with panic attacks and crying usually. I know my patterns and when the zombie nightmares come back, I'm in for it. Lol 

    sunday night I was just so triggered and anxious and depressed but I was trying to push through it. Anxiously cleaned up my room. Randomly yelled at my mom (I am very hostile when I'm anxious and basically am impossible to be around.) I was bitching about my shit being moved. 

    Then she gets mad that I'm mad, because I'm not allowed to be mad only she can be. If I'm mad she just shrugs it off like "whatever you don't mean anything to me anyways, go away." And I was like "You just want me to go away because all you do is try to push me away so fine I'll leave you alone. Just make sure to keep being as BITCHY as possible so eventually I just fucking stay out of your hair forever." 

    I have deep seated issues re guarding the subject. 

    I was triggered about a lot of shit at the time, things I don't want to talk about and are very personal. Likely wouldn't understand anyway. It's just a disorder like, I can't help it. 

    But I was trying to focus on the solution and cope and relax. Tried meditation, didn't work. Took a hot bath and rubbed shit on my skin. Sorta helped relax me. 

    But then I still couldn't lay down. I popped a bunch of klonipin and shit to knock me out. I waited for it to take effect while hanging my clothes. Trying to stay calm through it. And, started sobbing. Couldn't finish. 

    Laid down in my bed and had a panic attack. 

    Shot up. And then I felt better of course and passed out. 

    I'm so done with my life right now. 

    Happy Monday (guzzles caffeine) 

    honestly the caffeine isn't doing shit for me 

    when my days over I'm just going to try to take care of myself a little...maybe sleep if I can. I just want to be left alone for a while. But at the same time, I don't want to be alone. 

    And I hate myself for even talking right now, I'm a huge fucking dumb ass, and I should kill myself. Go ahead keep judging! It'll take you far. 

    Bye. 

  • 3,173 posts

    okay... 

    so. I've been lying. 

    i said i wasn't into drugs when really, i am. 

    i was trying to stay clean so i tried to just, not be myself for a while. on here, and in life. change some habits. 

    didn't do shit. 

    it was one of many attempts at this trial and error process... in search for something that will cure my... "issues". 

    my therapist told me, when i'm struggling. with anxiety, or whatever. just pretend to be someone else. 

    so... i tried. 

    it only works in certain scenarios, not with addiction. at ALL. LMFAO if anything it makes it worse. 

    but yeah uh... i haven't been going to my meetings or seeing my therapist lately. 

    i cut off my girlfriend. things are weird between us right now. 

    i don't know really know what's wrong with me but, it's just depression ya know. i'm so annoyed with myself for being this way. i imagine other people are equally sick of it. nothing makes it better except opiates... playing music is a nice distraction... 

    it's the same thing over and over again, drugs and music, music and drugs. day and night. 

    everything else is just, far away. 

    i've been shutting myself in lately and, i know i'm supposed to "talk" but i just don't, care enough lol. i don't know if i really even have the words. 

    not everyone understands but the ones who do, you don't have to say a thing. they just get it. 

    but i stay away from them because they remind me too much of the parts of myself i hate seeing. 

    speaking of which, last night i had a dream, that was very reflective in such a way. 

    i was seeing myself in a mirror. i was in some random bathroom in a public place... not sure where, maybe like a gas station or something. 

    my mom was helping me shoot up. 

    let me just say that again, my fucking mom. was shooting me up. 

    she gave me way too much, i saw it was too much but i didn't say anything. i wanted it. 

    it was wayyyy to much though and, she did her job and cleaned up my arm and then left- she paused at the door though and said, "you coming?" 

    and i'm like "yeah just one... second.." she wasn't really listening she just left before i could finish. 

    i was leaning into the counter and staring at the sink, and breathing so heavy. and i'm like whispering under my breath "jesus fuck i'm so high. i'm so high." and then i looked in the mirror and my pupils were so fucking tiny lmfao i stuck my fingers in the eyelid and widened my eyes and i'm like "fuck i'm so high" and my eyes were like watering and tears were falling down my face and my nose was all drippy. so i got some paper towels out of the little thing on the wall and tried to clean myself up but... i just felt like vomiting. 

    "i'm so high i'm so high..." i was trying to pull myself together ya know. then i felt a little better and i was like okay, i can keep it down. 

    and so i came out the door and my mom was standing right there and i was like shit lmfao i didn't realize she was right there. 

    and then we get in this car and she's like, "you ready?" and i'm like "yeah let's go." 

    and she was taking me to rehab. 

    so i get in the rehab facility and they'res a few staff members in this room and me, and they're like interviewing me? and i'm high as fuck. 

    and they're like, "when did it start." and i was like "well i got back into it recently but i started when i was 18" 

    and they were like "when did you start back recently and why" and i was like "i went to a mental hospital and they gave me klonopin and i started shooting up like three days after that. and then i dunno things just got ahead of me... i've been shooting up once a day just trying to get by... it's been uh... can i look at a calendar?" 

    and so they gave me one and i'm like confused as fuck... "i have no idea how long it's been... maybe around 2 months" 

    and they're like "okay we'll get you admitted tonight. you're familiar with withdrawal right... the vomiting, cold sweats, shaking, headaches... it's hell you know." and i'm like, "yeah... i'm ready." 

    and they're like "are you sure." and i'm like "yeah." 

    and then my mom just left me with a duffel bag full of clothes, she said, "i'm glad you're doing this... i'll see you when you're out. if you want. it's up to you." 

    and i'm like "yeah i'll try and see you, definitely. bye." 

    "bye" 

    the door with cross wired black lines in the glass, heavy metal. sealed shut. 

    and then they immediately took my bag, told me take my shoes off and searched through my hair. they said, "can you stand up" 

    and i'm like "i'm high as shit right now" 

    and they're like okay... so they knelt down and rolled up my sleeves and felt along my arms, and then clamped on some wrist bands. 

    drew my blood. "you're gonna feel a pinch" and then the nurse held a cotton ball over the blood. wrapped it up with something tight. 

    and i'm like "fuck i don't wanna do this. i can't do this" 

    and the nurse put her gloved hand on my shoulder and said, "yes you can sweetie. people come in here worse off than you all the time." 

    and i just put my head in my hands and started crying. she stayed silent with her hand on my shoulder. 

    i was crying because i felt like it was never going to end. i knew, even after this was over i was still going to leave an addict, and the addiction would never stop. i'd want it till the day i die. 

    i feel genuine hopelessness. 

    i am clean from my last little binge so... but i just went and bought some dank. last night i had a bit to drink. 

    i'm already thinking about that klonopin, i just want some because i feel like shit. and it's the only thing that makes it a little better. 

    i mean, it's not necessarily "shit" but.. i feel very blah. and numb. and bored. 

    just very.... monotonous. 

    like i said, it's hard to explain, some people just get it. others don't. that's just how it is. 

    but... for those who do get it, you know why i do whatever i can do escape it. 

    the past two weeks i've been thinking too much about suicide and self harm, it's just stupid. i don't wanna think about these things or be this way anymore but... i'm trapped inside all of it ya know. 

    i'm subject to these problems. 

    my therapist is trying to teach me about helplessness and depression, and how to overcome it. i keep wishing there was something i could do but i feel like everything i can do, is insufficient. i still come up short of cured, you know what i mean. i know it'll still persist no matter what i do... 

    but, ya know. she insists otherwise. so last time i saw her she left me with a hand out about it. 

    it's been a while and... i haven't read it. i don't know why but...

    i will get around to it eventually.. eventually, eventually. i will. i will. i really will... 

    hm... but for now. i have some drugs to do. 

    i'll worry about it after like... later this evening maybe. 

    hm... 

  • 11 posts

    "so. I've been lying.  i said i wasn't into drugs when really, i am.  
    my therapist told me, when i'm struggling. with anxiety, or whatever. just pretend to be someone else. 

    so... i tried."
     

    meh, just reads like you can't decide what persona you want. when you don't get enough attn. one way you try another.  truth is in the middle but overall you're pretty fake. you're still fucked up so it's fine.

  • 3,173 posts

     

    Watson stated:

    "so. I've been lying.  i said i wasn't into drugs when really, i am.  
    my therapist told me, when i'm struggling. with anxiety, or whatever. just pretend to be someone else. 

    so... i tried."
     

    meh, just reads like you can't decide what persona you want. when you don't get enough attn. one way you try another.  truth is in the middle but overall you're pretty fake. you're still fucked up so it's fine.

    lol... you care more about whether i am a drug addict or not than my well being and shit like that so, 

    i couldn't care less what you think of me dude 

  • 3,173 posts

    i'm just going off the rails as always and i have to talk about it or i won't ever figure out what to do 

  • 3,173 posts
  • 3,173 posts

     

    TPG

    been having dreams which im conscious of the outer world in or something weird 

     

    happens to me all the time 

  • 161 posts

    My day wouldn't have been complete without watching some bitch cook tar. 

  • 3,173 posts

    AliceInWonderland stated:

    My day wouldn't have been complete without watching some bitch cook tar. 

     

  • 1,736 posts

    its ok because nobody read the stories you told about yourself or noticed you so you didnt do anything to anybody xd

  • 161 posts

    I read them up to about the second paragraph before losing interest because it's the same shit different day. 

    Sometimes I need a reminder that I should keep my drug habit to a minimum, and Blanc is that weekly reminder.

  • 3,173 posts

    AliceInWonderland stated:

    I read them up to about the second paragraph before losing interest because it's the same shit different day. 

    Sometimes I need a reminder that I should keep my drug habit to a minimum, and Blanc is that weekly reminder.

    in really glad I can help with that 

    there's other websites and forums that pretty much specialize in doing that tho 

  • 3,173 posts

    AlmightyJim stated:

    its ok because nobody read the stories you told about yourself or noticed you so you didnt do anything to anybody xd

    lol I don't want attention just people to support my bad habits I guess 

  • 3,173 posts

    for the record, i like the jim who occasionally shares a personal anecdote every now and again... 

    this forum would be much more interesting if everyone shared as much as i do 

  • 3,173 posts

    i'm sorry that all i talk about lately is drugs. 

    i have other things on my mind to talk about but, 

    shrugs 

    it's a lot to explain 

  • 3,173 posts
    blanc stated:
     
    last night i had a weird dream 
    i was seeing myself in a mirror. i was in some random bathroom in a public place... not sure where, maybe like a gas station or something. 

    my mom was helping me shoot up. 

    let me just say that again, my fucking mom. was shooting me up. 

    she gave me way too much, i saw it was too much but i didn't say anything. i wanted it. 

    it was wayyyy to much though and, she did her job and cleaned up my arm and then left- she paused at the door though and said, "you coming?" 

    and i'm like "yeah just one... second.." she wasn't really listening she just left before i could finish. 

    i was leaning into the counter and staring at the sink, and breathing so heavy. and i'm like whispering under my breath "jesus fuck i'm so high. i'm so high." and then i looked in the mirror and my pupils were so fucking tiny lmfao i stuck my fingers in the eyelid and widened my eyes and i'm like "fuck i'm so high" and my eyes were like watering and tears were falling down my face and my nose was all drippy. so i got some paper towels out of the little thing on the wall and tried to clean myself up but... i just felt like vomiting. 

    "i'm so high i'm so high..." i was trying to pull myself together ya know. then i felt a little better and i was like okay, i can keep it down. 

    and so i came out the door and my mom was standing right there and i was like shit lmfao i didn't realize she was right there. 

    and then we get in this car and she's like, "you ready?" and i'm like "yeah let's go." 

    and she was taking me to rehab. 

    so i get in the rehab facility and they'res a few staff members in this room and me, and they're like interviewing me? and i'm high as fuck. 

    and they're like, "when did it start." and i was like "well i got back into it recently but i started when i was 18" 

    and they were like "when did you start back recently and why" and i was like "i went to a mental hospital and they gave me klonopin and i started shooting up like three days after that. and then i dunno things just got ahead of me... i've been shooting up once a day just trying to get by... it's been uh... can i look at a calendar?" 

    and so they gave me one and i'm like confused as fuck... "i have no idea how long it's been... maybe around 2 months" 

    and they're like "okay we'll get you admitted tonight. you're familiar with withdrawal right... the vomiting, cold sweats, shaking, headaches... it's hell you know." and i'm like, "yeah... i'm ready." 

    and they're like "are you sure." and i'm like "yeah." 

    and then my mom just left me with a duffel bag full of clothes, she said, "i'm glad you're doing this... i'll see you when you're out. if you want. it's up to you." 

    and i'm like "yeah i'll try and see you, definitely. bye." 

    "bye" 

    the door with cross wired black lines in the glass, heavy metal. sealed shut. 

    and then they immediately took my bag, told me take my shoes off and searched through my hair. they said, "can you stand up" 

    and i'm like "i'm high as shit right now" 

    and they're like okay... so they knelt down and rolled up my sleeves and felt along my arms, and then clamped on some wrist bands. 

    drew my blood. "you're gonna feel a pinch" and then the nurse held a cotton ball over the blood. wrapped it up with something tight. 

    and i'm like "fuck i don't wanna do this. i can't do this" 

    and the nurse put her gloved hand on my shoulder and said, "yes you can sweetie. people come in here worse off than you all the time." 

    and i just put my head in my hands and started crying. she stayed silent with her hand on my shoulder. 

    i was crying because i felt like it was never going to end. i knew, even after this was over i was still going to leave an addict, and the addiction would never stop. i'd want it till the day i die. 

     

    i feel genuine hopelessness. 

    i am clean from my last little binge so... but i just went and bought some dank. last night i had a bit to drink. 

    i'm already thinking about that klonopin, i just want some because i feel like shit. and it's the only thing that makes it a little better. 

    i mean, it's not necessarily "shit" but.. i feel very blah. and numb. and bored. 

    just very.... monotonous. 

    like i said, it's hard to explain, some people just get it. others don't. that's just how it is. 

    but... for those who do get it, you know why i do whatever i can do escape it. 

    the past two weeks i've been thinking too much about suicide and self harm, it's just stupid. i don't wanna think about these things or be this way anymore but... i'm trapped inside all of it ya know. 

    i'm subject to these problems. 

    my therapist is trying to teach me about helplessness and depression, and how to overcome it. i keep wishing there was something i could do but i feel like everything i can do, is insufficient. i still come up short of cured, you know what i mean. i know it'll still persist no matter what i do... 

    but, ya know. she insists otherwise. so last time i saw her she left me with a hand out about it. 

    it's been a while and... i haven't read it. i don't know why but...

    i will get around to it eventually.. eventually, eventually. i will. i will. i really will... 

    hm... but for now. i have some drugs to do. 

    i'll worry about it after like... later this evening maybe. 

    hm... 

  • 4 posts

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